Any advice on how to get your future in-laws to accept you?

I'm in the same boat, and it's a sinking ship.

I have no advice, but lots of well-wishes.

I would strongly advise against deception and deceit as a way to sway over the in-laws. It isn't a good foundation for a relationship. Sooner or later, the lies will catch up or it'll be a lie that you will have to live with for the rest of your lives.

JunJun.fr wrote: Hello Eli,
I'm sad to hear how things are turning for you.
If I remember well, his parents already met you & they know that your BF is really NOT gay, hence the "Play it gay" trick may not work in your case.
Yet if you have a Chinese female friend that both you & your BF trust, we can still try another sort of trick...
So, Derek should claim that you both broke up & he found an Asian GF (your common female friend). He introduces her to his family as his new Chinese fiancée... & in the end she behaves in a very nasty way, like treating him like a idiot in front of his own parents, or making it obvious she 's looking for a rich family in-law, whatever will make them very angry & reject this future daughter in law.
Then, some time later, you reappear as the perfect potential daughter in law, very respectful to her BF's parents. & voilà !
OR, should Derek decide to confront his parents & force them to accept YOU as the only possible choice as a daughter in law for them. They may get upset at his choice. But, you will get + points if you learn enough Mandarin Chinese to speak fluently to them (some traditional Chinese parents fear that their grand-kids cannot speak Chinese to them).
In any case, I'm not saying it will be easy, it may take long for them to reconsider, but even very traditional & conservative Chinese family can change their mind about their (only) son marrying an non-Chinese woman. Also, if you plan to have children some day with him, for sure, they will rather have half-Asian grand-kids than NO grand-kids at all.
Good luck Eli.

i am only brainstorming so who knows what this advice will do...

he can tell them this girl has brought a kind of happiness to him that he had not received by other girls. she has been the only one who really cared enough to support him through difficult things without dismissing him by saying the things that bother him are "not that big of a deal," or this is the first girl who doesn't think selfishly about him by thinking of all the things he's supposed to do for her. other girls try to size him up over and over again about what he can provide for them financially, instead of putting the relationship first. she does not have a coldness to her because of it.

without lying about it, find what's true about the situation and use that. she makes him want to work harder to be a good provider. she gives him the the energy and vitality to do that. he cannot have a life where he feels disconnected with someone he doesn't choose or want.

Sorry to hear that Eli, well I'm kinda in the same situation myself.

I think over time they will learn to accept his decision, it is his life and he should do whatever makes him happy. I can understand the pressures he would be under with a family that wants him to be with someone of the same race.

At the end of the day they will still love him as their son even if he marrys a white woman.

How well do you know his mum by the way? Perhaps spending some time with her may help convince her that you are good for her son, even though it might seem daunting at this point in time because of the situation.

what if this is one of those cases where the parents are hoping the son will listen to him but they are not necessarily going to "call his bluff" by making as big of a deal out of it as he thinks? maybe they are hoping to sway him and this is just a tactic, not necessarily a final say?

i do not know how things work in asian cultures since i have never lived with the type of obligations many of them might have, so it's hard for me to fully understand the situation (how deep the stresses go and how hard it is to say no and the repercussions from that) and how to approach it with workable solutions. in my own culture, we are quick to challenge even a "final say," but i don't know what that would mean for this guy's particular family.

can he picture himself possibly trying to challenge it for a little while(?), not by fighting with them, but by continuing to see his girlfriend and by telling his parents "this person means a lot to me."

this is a long read: www.whattoexpect.com...-white-guy.html

but, basically, it says a Korean woman was disowned for dating a white man. her parents would not speak to her. later, her mother wanted to call her when she was in the hospital giving birth to her mixed baby, but she was hesitant to call. she still cares and thinks about her daughter. the father is still not speaking to the daughter.

i can't find it right now but with a different interracial relationship, the parents who disowned their child and never called him or her said something like "he/she is supposed to call us." so, they did not fully disown them. maybe it just takes time, idk. maybe it depends on the parent.

maybe the parents are too afraid to trust a foreigner until they feel more comfortable. i guess there are many reasons than just that.

this one says a grandparent accepted him:

Fortunately her grandmother defused the siatuation, smiling and sitting beside me, patting my hand and speaking to the rest of the family in Korean. They all visibly relaxed and accepted me as part of their family from that moment on.

Years later I asked my wife what her grandmother said. She translated it as: "Look on the bright side -- at least he doesn't have blue eyes and blonde hair."

www.christianforums....ughter.1143898/

here's another below that one:

Hi There,
I am married to a Korean and his parents initially opposed our relationship too. We got married without their consent, or knowing, in Australia last year. It caused problems initially at the beginning of our marriage because my husband felt he'd abandoned his family, but things are good now. His family have accepted our relationship now, although they are still adjusting. I don't think any parent would willingly cut off their own child because of their choice in marriage partner. It could just take time.

I apologize for this very long post, but I had a lot to say on this subject. I wanted to put it all out there in the hopes it might help some. If you don’t have time right now, then come back and read it with a drink, or a coffee, when you do have some time. I hope it helps you in some way, even if it’s a small way. But I want to make it clear that I am not writing this to make you feel dumb. I am writing it in the hopes to help not only you, but others that might be going through this too.

Here is what I have to say:

I am so sorry that you and your man are going through this. But even in this day and age, people still have a hard time with interracial relationships/marriage. It isn’t so much so if the man is Caucasian and the woman is Asian, because she isn’t considered to be the one to take care of her parents when they get old like her brother would be expected to. It’s just the way of it in Asian cultures.

Let me tell you what I have learned from reading a lot, my own personal experiences with dating Asian men, and from what other Caucasian/Non-Asian women dating Asian men have told me. Although I do understand how you feel (I have been there myself) try to stop your emotions for a minute, stand still and step into his parent’s shoes for a little bit. Let me see if I can explain what I mean.

You said your boyfriend told you his parents said “They want me to marry someone of my own race.” Almost Immediately most Caucasian people (and other races) would think, “They don’t like me because I am white (or whatever your race is if not white)”, and feel they are being racist. I think it might not be so much about racism as it is about stereotyping a race, along with fears that might come from it. The stereotyping of the white race is just like with other races. We white Westerns (or just Caucasians) are seen in a certain way by Asians. But white women are seen even more in a negative light by SOME Asian parents. Why? Because they see her as being way too independent (I explain this in more detail in No. 7 below). Of course, I don’t know your boyfriend’s parents, and I am not saying they are racist, but it could be that they are reacting because of fear. What fear?

Well, let me list the ones I am aware of (please be aware I am not saying that these fears are exactly what they are afraid of, or how they really feel, but it is the most common fears in Asian parents. I am also aware you aren’t a dumbass and might know some of these things, if not all of them. I am just more or less brainstorming things, so please bear with me.):

1. Fear that you might take their son away and he won’t be there for them when they are older. I am not so sure about the Taiwanese culture, but most Asian cultures look for their son or sons (in some it is the eldest son like my Korean boyfriend) to take care of them financially when they can no longer work (unless they are luckily rich), and for his wife to nurse them and take care of them until they pass away. Or if they had all daughters, they look for the son-in-law to be the one to provide for them. They know that an Asian woman raised in their culture would know this and it would automatically be understood that it’s their duty, so they fear a non-Asian woman wouldn’t be willing, or know how, to do this.
2. Fear that he will forget his culture by no longer practicing it, etc.
3. Fear that if you two have children they won’t be accepted in society because they are mixed and would get bullied and have a hard life.
4. Fear your children won’t know his culture at all. And that means the whole family is divided, because they would not feel the connection to the Asian side of the family.
5. Fear of abandonment and divorce. They see the divorce rate among non-Asian couples and it scares the hell out of them. They don’t want their son left with the shame of divorce, or for his non-Asian wife to run off with all of his possessions and money.
6. Fear that they can’t communicate with you properly, and that you won’t be a good daughter-in-law overall.
7. Fear of your independence as a Western (or just a Caucasian) woman. They see how Western (or Caucasian) women are all the time. They know most of them are very independent and do what they want regardless of how their own parents feel about it, and a lot of Asian parents don’t feel comfortable at all with that. They think that if you don’t listen to your own parents, why the hell would you listen to them? To them it means their wishes wouldn’t be respected. Some Asian cultures teach that the elders know what is best and the younger generation is to respectfully adhere to that. They also think that non-Asian women are kind of slutty (that's a bad word, I know but it's kind of what they think) and would cheat on their son with other men.

Those are the most common fears, but not all of them that a lot of Asian parents have when their son dates a non-Asian woman that he will most likely want to marry. Of course not all Asian parents are like this, but a lot of them are. So if any, or all of that, is rattling around in your boyfriend’s parent’s head, it’s no wonder they are acting the way they are. I am not saying it is right that they are, just that it would be better if you know where they are coming from so you can decide what action you must take, if any.

Now, on to what you REALLY would like to know. What can you do about this situation?
Before I get to that part, I thought I would share my own experience with this exact situation you are in. Perhaps you might learn from what mistakes I made, or you learn how to help your own situation. Either way, I hope it really does help you.

A few years ago, I was in love with a Korean guy. He was actually from South Korea. Our relationship was very good and everything was going fine. UNTIL… his parents found out he was dating a white American girl. They totally flipped out. And they put an immense amount of pressure on him to break up with me. I freaked out myself when I saw he wasn’t handling it well, and saw that his affection towards me was waning. I kept asking for reassurance that he loves me, and cried and whined to him to stay with me (much to my embarrassment in hind sight). The pressure from his parents got even more brutal, and I got even more desperate for him to stay with me, and that caused me to plead even more to him. I was so wrapped up in my fear of losing him that I didn’t really realize just how much pressure I was putting on him myself. Eventually we started arguing, and that made it easier for him to listen to his parents. It was soon after that, that he cracked under the immense pressure, and left me.

So, what did I learn from that? I learned that it was wrong of me to let my emotions dictate my actions. Although it would have been extremely hard, I should have not let him see how hurt I was, because all it did was make him feel pressure from both sides; me and his parents. He probably felt that no one was supporting him, and that he didn’t have anyone to really talk to. It didn’t help that I always bitched about his parents to him. But what I should have done, is that whenever we talked about it, I should have expressed my concerns in a healthier way, and not come across as some kind of broken doll.

What else did I learn? I should have just let him deal with his parents and trusted him. If he still had left me, and I think he probably would have, at least I would know that I wasn’t contributing to the stressful situation. And then I would have still had some of my pride. My behavior just convinced him that he didn’t need to be with me. I should have been stronger, and stood up with pride to show them all that I am worthy. I am. But that is all over now.

Since then I understand what it means to do the best you can, and be the best that you are, and let things go however they are going to go (in a case where you have no control over a situation). Maybe if I had done that, we would have survived the pressure. However, that is all gone now.

Now, a few years later, I am in love with another Korean man. He is more mature than the Korean man I mention above. I didn’t purposely look for another Korean man it just turned out that way. So I am yet again dating a Korean man and faced yet again with the same culture. I have not yet met his parents. But I know this time around what to expect, even though he tells me they will accept me. I will be more prepared this time. This time I WILL WIN! Do you know why? Because this time, I have all I need to win. I am more mature, I know what NOT to do, I am far more secure in myself than I was the first time, and I love him far more than I ever loved the first Korean man. This time, if his parents object to him being with a white woman, I know how to handle it. I know not to let my emotions rule me. I will be calmer, and I will not put pressure on my man. I will also SHOW them that I can handle his culture, and be a good daughter-in-law. I know all I need to know to make it work (I don’t want to write much more about how I am prepared. I am already writing a book here).

So, what do I suggest you do? Here is what I think (please excuse me if you are already doing any of these. It might also help someone else):

1. Let your boyfriend lead you into what you should or shouldn’t do (or say) in reference to his parents. He knows them much better than you do. Don’t try to approach them yourself without him. If they come to you, be respectful as much as you can and don’t get angry or upset in front of them if you can help it.
2. Trust him. Trust that he will get through this for you. That he will do what he can to get them to accept you, or at least tolerate you enough without giving him crap about it all. Just DON’T lose your cool and start getting major insecure on him. That will most likely scare the hell out of him and it will most certainly run him off.
3. While you’re waiting for your boyfriend to deal with his parents, arm yourself with learning his culture completely (language, cooking, cultural practices and even clothing style if you like). I know you are studying right now, but perhaps put a couple hours each day into it if you can. I know it will all take time, but at least you are doing it. Give it all you got AND DO IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT!!!! LOL.
4. Ask your boyfriend to find out exactly what it is they are against. Is it really about race? Or is it about racial stereotypes? Is it all, or some of, the fears I suggested above? Find out what is bothering them. And then decide a tactic to start dispelling it. Of course with your boyfriends suggestions and knowledge. You must always know your “enemy” and their weaknesses so you can find a way in to break the barrier that is holding you back. LOL. That sounds terrible.
5. SHOW them you mean it. If he has them on his FaceBook (or some other social media) have him post photos of his ethnic food you cooked him and praises of how good you are treating him. That’s if he isn’t already doing this. Be creative with the photos and posts. The idea is to show you in a light that makes them see you are into his culture, and that you can handle it. LET them see it without overdoing it too much, if possible.
6. Learn to meld into his culture without losing yourself in the process. This is not easy, but it can be done. I know. What I mean by this is that you can adapt to his culture, yet still be your Caucasian self as well. You just have to learn how to master knowing which side to bring out at the correct time. I am sure he doesn’t want you to change all together. After all, he fell in love with you the way you are now.
7. You could also just learn his culture and language and still just marry, or live, with him against their wishes and they will eventually have to accept it if they want to see their son. That’s a more forceful way, but some people have conquered this situation in that way. It takes a lot of character strength and guts though to jump right into that type of chaos.

All you can ever do is the best you can do. If he leaves in the end, at least you know it wasn’t you that helped cause it. And it will definitely be a huge regret to him later. I really hope to hell that doesn’t happen to you. *fingers crossed* I believe in the power of love. I know my man will stand beside me. I hope yours does too.

I am sorry this post was so long, but I know this situation very well, and I really hate it that someone else is going through it. But you and I won’t be the only ones, which is very sad.

You need to find a way to communicate with them, preferably on a regular basis. Talk to them in their native language at all times (ask your partner to translate if and when necessary), and demonstrate through your actions that you are willing and able to accept their parental authority even at the expense of your own personal freedom and independence. I believe that the sacrifice which you must make (e.g. acceding to their authority) is well worth the reward - a harmonious relationship between all parties involved.

If you have not already done so, ask them (via your partner) for a family dinner either at their place or at a favorite restaurant of theirs. The purpose of this meeting is to get to know one another better. They will most likely accept the request or decline politely before accepting it eventually. Rinse and repeat.

The worst thing you can do is to make your partner choose between his lover and his family. Chances are, he might choose his family because they are ultimately irreplaceable. This means that you are probably dependent upon the well wishes of his biological parents, but this should not be a cause for concern as long as you heed what is written above.

Good luck and best wishes,

The Professor