LOYALTY/SUBSERVIENCE TO ASIAN PARENTS

Hey guys, hope everyone is having a good day so far. Again, like I said on my previous post - it has been a long while since I posted anything on here, let alone logged onto this site, but again I couldn't help but ask this question to all of you on here. Now before I start, let me say this: If either of my folks asked me to do something (within reason), I would of course do what I can (again - within reason) and within a certain (you guessed it - reasonable) amount of time.

With that said, let me mention what kind of person my mom is. To get to the point, my mom considers me sort of like an animal/pet (I just don't know what better way to say it). She always made my upbringing as a kid a ruthless one, so-to-speak. And I may agree with all of you that there were times where your folks scared you a bit when you did something, but when I use keywords like "animal/pet-like" or "ruthless", I mean it in a way that I could not find any other word to use. When I was a kid, she would always LITERALLY expect me to show up in front of her (YES, literally come up to her when she called for me), even if I was busy with something at the moment or had my hands full still, she didn't care. My mom always demanded that I answer her every time she called me over or if she asked me a question, she wanted my answer immediately. I could be (cue the action film scenario) working on diffusing a hydrogen bomb that's already counting down to the seconds and she couldn't care less, the rule was that when she called my name or asked me a question, I came over to her and answered, no ifs, ands, or buts. If not, then there were problems (i.e. she'd go into a rage-screaming match at me).

This was also added to the fact that she was "grooming" me to a very extensive degree. Granted, all parents want their kids to be well-mannered, but forcing me into social outings (parties with close friends of hers, going to church/temple with certain people she knows even though neither of us were religious, making me suit-up and show up for her own side business just to add another body and make it look somewhat successful), all just to show that I'm "well-versed" (as she said). She knows I hate all of it, yet she deems it "necessary", and even when I prove her wrong at times, she uses her usual line "No! If I have to correct you, I will!". Every time she used that line, I couldn't help but think whether she saw me as her son or a dog.

To get to the point, the other night, my mom asked me to Smog Check/Test her car (if you guys haven't read my previous post, I work on cars for a living now). I told her that I myself was not certified to Smog Test a car, but there are guys that I work with that are certified and have the equipment to check/test it. To which she then asked me when I could take her car in. Keep in mind that I work 40-48+ hours a week practically, that's anywhere from five to six days a week depending how lacking our staff at the moment is. We normally work on anywhere from 25-35 vehicles a day on average per individual - sometimes depending on who you are and what your rate/rank is. It's usually a busy day that tires everyone of us out and on that day at work, we had more than the usual, so I was pretty tired when I was coming home after that. My original plan was to just finish dinner and hit the bed, that was it. So all I could reply to my mom's request was a calm and polite "I'll let you know later." I was too tired to even think out a plan for it. I then heard from my mom (with the most stone-cold tone): "What do you mean 'later'?". I was too tired to even recognize her harsh tone at first so I repeated myself. It wasn't until then that she became snappy and retorted "When's 'later', next year!?" that I then understood her mood. To which I replied back with "When I'm not too tired to even argue with you.". That in it of itself led to a whole myriad of problems as we started yelling at each other. She bought up the fact that I was her son and that I should be glad to help her with her problems, etc. and how children should have absolute loyalty to their parents.

In the end of all that yelling and arguing, I just picked up my bowl of microwaved Chef Boyardee (Yep, the poor man's diet), dryly said "For a moment there, I almost recognized you as a fully-capable adult, my mistake.", got up and decided to finish my dinner in my room while watching the History Channel's Forged in Fire, all while hearing her yell out behind me "Get back here, I'm not done with you yet!". She even continued banging on my door (and I mean borderline SWAT-style breaking in) and tried to twist the knob out of the lock till finally my old man heard all the noise and yelled for her to knock it off. My mom just finished it with "One of these days we're going disown you! You hear me!? I want you out of this house for good this time!" and left. And there have been no speaking between us since. And no, this isn't something that happened for the first time. She has a habit of just pure raging when things don't go her way with me.

Guys, I want you to know that I don't disrespect my parents when all is calm. We have our moments, but I understand that they are my folks, but when they (and I almost ALWAYS mean my mom) come up to me with that kind of bullcrap, I'm not the type to accept things well, even if it's from those that are related to me.

I don't like airing my dirty laundry out like this about my life, but I wanna get your guys' thoughts on this. You guys had anything like this? The infamous "Tiger-Mom" as they call it, I think? I also noticed that when it comes to Asian families, children are expected to obey their parents no matter how ridiculous the parents' demands are and to no limit of extent.

Anyways, wanna hear your guys' thoughts on it. Can't wait to hear from you.

Well what's there to say? We don't get to choose the family we were born into.

I've had arguments with my own parents, and a couple phrases from some of those arguments stuck in my head till this day:

"I am YOUR father. You must listen to me! You are not a westerner, you are asian!"

"Such a disappointment to raise such a son and spend so much money to bring him up to have him treat me / talk to me like this!"

"Why did I even give birth to you?" (this is a funny one because I didn't ask to be born)

From there on, I pretty much realize the hope of them being "reasonable", "fair" - as far as any serious talks with the parents are concerned - is pretty much wishful thinking.

You could just tough it out, swallow your pride and just pretend to listen to whatever they say - one ear in, one ear out - and just nod to whatever they say.

Or you could just get the hell out, find your own place to preserve your own sanity.

I'd suggest if your parents are giving you so much grief, why not tough it out alone and move out of the house? And I mean this as sincere advice.

You don't even have to argue with them about it, just quietly make your arrangements, then when the time comes, say you need your space or some such excuse. And if they try to steer it into an argument, just don't say a word.

They say harsh master bring out high quality student.
But from what you described, she sound just like some cranky parent in Korean drama. And when It comes to cranky parents? It’s just me, I cut the connection and never see them again,my dad and I had an argument 3 years ago,he’ll say the meanest things without concerning my feeling. Such as-I should’ve kill you when you were little,which he had absolutely no reason to get mad at . Then We are clear that he and I are no longer father and son. I’m no longer rely on him on money, and it will be up to Those women to too look after him later on. 1 stone for 2 birds
For op only, if I were you I’ll never bring anyone home to see her

Yeah, dude. Old school Asian mentality is backwards and toxic.

Figure out a way to move closer to your job for now (even couchsurf) and plan to be independent. Until they learn to respect you as an adult human being, there's no point to argue with them.

You have friends who can support you and help out with your transition?

.

Even when you're on your own, the holidays are still inevitable and if you are still in their lives.

I live on my own and folks are visiting for the holidays and we just went to dim sum and had another nasty argument. Ultimately, I know it's my own life and I'll have to make decisions and choices that make me happy.

If they truly love me unconditionally as my parents like they claim, then I have to make the changes in my life that makes me happy. Otherwise, there's no point to hang on to the toxic family dynamics.

It's sad, but that's just the way life is. Have a good weekend.

I'll give you the same advice I gave you on the other thread you made. The best thing I've ever done for myself is start living life on my own terms. I love my mom very much. And she has been very supportive in many ways. But she doesn't share in the vision I have for my own life. And father figures in my life either been non-existent or abusive in many ways. You can continue to keep doing the same thing and getting the same results, or learn to start trying something different. Even if there is a lot of risk involve and the unknown may seem scary.

For your situation, I believe the best thing you can do right now is look for an opportunity to move out as soon as you can. Maybe move closer to your work. And if you aren't happy with your work, start investing in yourself and look for better opportunities. I have worked out on several jobs quitting on my own terms when I find my employers don't respect me or don't give me any opportunity for growth. If you aren't growing your skills and character in the environment you are in, you need to find a better environment to thrive in. Do not plant your seeds in soil that aren't rich in nutrients for growth. Rather look for more fertile soil to plant your seeds. Otherwise, you'll just wither and rot away.

I refused to live under the same roof as my step father, so I made the tough decision to be homeless and live out of my car instead for several years. That was the best decision I've ever made in my life. And now I'm running a successful ecommerce business for my boss who treats me as an equal. We've had three years of back to back to back accelerated growth. I've been fortunate enough to be able to help a few other people by hiring them to work for me. Life has never been better. Even my relationship with my my mom and step dad has improved a lot. At one point I had to shut them out completely so I could focus on myself and my job. And it worked out. My mom does not question my decisions in life and my dreams anymore, because I allowed her to come see what I do for work and it's more than she had ever wished for in me. I plan to have my parents retire within 2-3 years. Even my step dad, whom had treated me very unfairly over the years. But I don't believe in revenge, but rather pay back with kindness.

By the end of the day, you need to take personal responsibility for your own life. You can't continue to blame the situation on other people. As much as it feels unfair, you are responsible for how you feel and the direction of your life. If you allow other people the steering wheel and the driver seat to your life, then it's your own fault if they do not lead you to where you want so that you can be happy. Live life on your own terms, even if the road is hard. And trust in yourself and your abilities to get yourself to where you need to be.